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FARTING STORIES

My story.....
There are four of us, myself and my husband Mick and our friends Liz and Dennis. Mick and Dennis are known for their stupidity, I mean, wit and humour and they normally spend our days out being extremely silly leaving Lizzie and I tutting in disbelief at their childishness. Here comes the Fart link......These are fully grown middle aged men we are talking about (aka “Old Farts”), not by any stretch of the imagination could these two be described as ‘youngsters’ whom you might expect to behave in a manner known only to pubescent schoolboys!! :-) We were on our way out for the day and had all piled into the car for the journey, taking the usual hour and a half for the men to type the postcode of our destination into the Satellite Navigation system, a gadget they insist on using as they don’t trust us to read a map!
Anyway, despite the fact that they share the driving so it is always one of them behind the wheel and doing the actual steering, it is normally left up to us in the backseat to do the driving! (They are normally telling each other silly jokes, discussing ways to ensure that we (the wives in the back) are doing our chores correctly and generally just taking the mickey out of us at every opportunity). Which means that when a sharp bend is approaching, a traffic light appears out of nowhere or a car throws itself in front us unexpectedly it is normally LIZZIE that points it out! “Dennis. . . Stop...Turn Left! . . Turn Right! Slow Down! Watch Out! . . . Brake” etc. This happened every time we went out in the car until one day Dennis turned and said to Mick “Who needs Sat Nav when we’ve got Sat Nag on board?” They laughed.....and they laughed.... and there lies the birth of the SatNag car sticker.

** The Perfect Accessory For Your Car! **
CLICK HERE TO GET ONE FOR YOURSELF
Thanks to me for this story

Your stories .......

My sister’s mother-in-law is a bit of a wag, and famous for her impromptu fart-lighting displays. One Christmas eve, she decided to amuse her guests with a Bic-lighter ignited gas display in the living room, bending over and clicking the lighter. The show was a prolonged one, and a fine jet-flame was enjoyed by all. Unfortunately, though, she forgot she had her panty hose on. Immediately after her performance a look of pain and surprise came over her face: the synthetic material of the panty-hose had been more or less welded to her sphincter by the heat of the fart. She ended up in our local hospital emergency room, where her explanation for the unusual injury (it needed tweezers etc to pry off the melted material) had the doctors and nurses in stitches …
Thanks to Noel for this story

 Some time ago, my wife had this bird - a Nanday Conure - that just WOULD NOT shut up... all day long, balk! balk! balk! Not only that, but this bird would lunge at anyone passing by the cage, except for her. So one day, when the cage happened to be on the floor, I was walking by the cage when the bird lunged at me, bashing its head on the bars and squawking raucously. I mean, this thing was REALLY loud. I had been having some wicked gas, so I turned around, squatted and let one rip! The bird began emitting this odd noise and bobbing its head, and of course my wife was mortified... but she had to laugh.

Several years later, I had just gotten my dog back after she had been living at my mother's house for about a year (long story). Of course, she didn't want to leave my side for even a second, and was following me everywhere, even the bathroom. I tried to keep her out, but she would have none of that. Being on the verge of desperation, I finally relented and let her follow me in. As I sat and began my business, an odor wafted up that seemed to emanate from the very pits of hell itself. My own eyes were watering, and I could swear the wallpaper had begun peeling. I mean, it smelt as if I'd been drinking turpentine. My dog looked up at me, and began whining, and ACTUALLY COVERED HER NOSE WITH HER PAWS!!! I had to laugh - I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes... of course, all I could say was, "Well, I tried to warn you..."
Thanks to James for this story

In 1999 I was at a technical facility in Talladega Alabama living in the dormitory. I was there to learn technology for the blind so I could go and get a job in the future. Anyways, the walls in my room were as thin as paper it seemed! While laying in my bed getting ready to sleep, I let out a monstrous loud ‘wamp’. A fellow in the room 3 doors down from me goes, "Good god! What was that?” I was so embarrassed!
Thanks to Shane for this story

Standing in the shop with my Nan, looking at the ornaments when all of a sudden I heard a thunder clap. I looked about, shocked, noticing other shoppers were confused as well, so I walked up to my Nan and said, “Did you hear that?”. She replied matter-of-factly “Of course I did I only trumped”. Needless to say no-one entered that isle for a while...hehehe.
Go Nan!
Thanks to Anonymous for this story

Back when I was 12 (now 15) my dad took me to a Dairy Queen, we both had large Oreo Blizzards (as you can probubly tell; that much dairy doesn't agree with me very well). So we were talking, about something funny, if i can recall we were making fun of this one teacher that I had who had a unibrow noticable from at least 20 feet away (poor woman) - - but anyways so I laughed so hard at one of his comments (I usually put my head down and laugh quietly for along time) and then I farted so strongly that it rumbled off the plastic bench I was sitting on and amplified very loudly, but not distorted, you could clearly tell that someone farted.

So then I looked at him then around and saw other people previously enjoying their ice creams looking around confused and in shock saying "What was that?" and "Oh my God, did somebody drop something?" (it could have been mistaken for a loud bang). So of course I started laughing even harder which led to another enormous fart blasting through the little building.

My dad was still laughing but he was nice enough to salvage what dignity I had left so he motioned for me to get up and leave with him. When we were speed walking away accross the parking lot trying to keep a low profile I looked back and saw one woman pointing her finger at us with a big grin on her face while sitting with other people that were there. By the way I'm a girl (not trying to be sexist) but it made things a little more akward...
Thanks to “The Staussinator” for this story


Vaporize thy neighbour,
Lest thy neighbour incinerates thee.

During my pre-teen years, my cousin and I were very much like brothers. We made it almost a weekly habit of stays at his place, where his father (the master of flatus, which is a completely different can of --very dead-worms) was notorious for barbequeing the sort of sausages that I'm quite certain are intended to make an absolute wreak of your digestive system.
It was a while ago, when the original Ghost Recon (for Xbox) game was still in its demo stage, and my cousin and I would play hours on that one deathmatch map. Long story short, my ability to manipulate a game console for a first-person shooter left a lot to be desired. After many a frag, I began to feel the stress get to me. And so it was that for every time he killed me, it would be bottled up just enough for me to unleash a very hideous flatus in his face (I would furtively stand up and position myself) which would stick to the same pocket of air until it dissipated slowly, as the air circulation was very poor.
Eventually it got to be so terrible, we were both forced to take up the only corner of the room that was close enough to use the console... but this still did not mend my flatulence, nor did it improve my aim. So although my score didn't exactly provoke very much pride, my apt retaliation for his wanton slaying of my little army guy was very, very much worth it.
Thanks to Andrew for this story


On a snowy Christmas eve one year, I was hanging around with some friends, mostly couples, in an old Victorian house with high ceilings. 
The power and all the lights went out because of the snow storm, so we found a couple of candles, and gathered around the huge antique dining room table to play cards. We had played for about an hour in the shadows, when our 'Christmas Miracle" happened.
 The guy who owned the house was sitting at the head of the table, and after he won a hand, he raised his arms for the room to be silent, then placed his hands back on the table, pressed down, and let one rip that nearly blew him off his seat. At that exact moment, the lights flickered, and came back on!

We were caught halfway between shock and hysterics, and none of us said anything, we all just kept looking across the table at each other and laughing through the tears, while the guy who did it just sat there like he had gone through an out of body experience.
Thanks to DJ for this story


Looking back on last year, one very funny farting story sticks out of my mind and everyone else's from 2nd period Social Studies. This kid Dan in my class  wasn't the most popular kid in the grade and he was definitely annoying and  obsessed with this girl who found him disgusting. No one really bothered with  him that much unless he bothered that girl... anywayz. Spring time was coming  and many people were getting allergies, Dan being one of them. As they blew their noses and their eyes teared class went on. One day dan's allergies were  acting up and he was sneezing constantly. On his biggest sneeze not only did the whole class stop but he farted as loud as a helicopter. The noise was  enuff to drive pre-teen immatures' in hysterics. It was hilarious ...the entire class was tearing from laughter and even the teacher was in giggles as she told the class to settle down. As he put his head down to cry, me and  another kid tried to comfort him thru our laughing. It didn't work and people  were talking about it for weeks. Even now, everyone remembers that famous  fart.
Thanks to SweetDreamz for this story

My husband and I had just married and were still "going outside" to fart.  One night we went to bed and turned out the lights. All was quiet as a mouse when I accidentally  let a pretty loud fart. I was hoping my husband would do the polite thing and just ignore it but a few seconds later I heard this voice out of the darkness say, "Well, your horn works.  Try your lights!". I was mortified as he laughed himself sick but that broke the ice and also our shyness about farting in front of each other.
Thanks to Anonymous for this story

My wife and I had just turned in for the night on a warm windless spring night at our home in the country. Because of the muggy evening we opened the window and curtains of our second story bedroom. Approximately two hundred  yards away, across the country road that led to our house, was a marsh full of chirping frogs that had recently began serenading us each night. We both  began drifting off as we listened to the soothing song of the frogs. In my  peaceful relaxed state I let off the longest and loudest fart I had emitted in our six years of marriage. The frogs immediately went silent from the window rattling expulsion of gas I had produced. In disbelief my wife said  "Oh my God, you made the frogs stop croaking!" The pride I felt was indescribable. The frogs were so frightened they didn't make a sound for a good thirty minutes. My wife has shared our experience with several people  leading me to believe that she is very proud of me also.
Thanks to Anonymous for this story

A few years ago I was in the police academy. One of the things they required us to do is sit ups and push ups and things like that. Well, we had our physical test and  all 29 people in my class were lined up against the wall waiting to do sit ups. When it was time to start I laid down and started. Well, I couldn’t help myself and let out the loudest fart you would ever hear. Needless to say everyone burst out laughing and we  had to start over, and people say cops aren't human!
Thanks to Brian for this story

While I do not broadcast to the world my farting ethics, I don't pretend that they are an unknown phenomena to me. I am a female, a Daddy's girl, and apparently a very astute student when my father set out teaching me the whole "fart art". While I have many amusing  tales that are all equally quite a "gas", the one that first popped into my head, has to be the one my mom delivered, in bed late one evening. My parents are recently split up and now and then I would sleep with my mom in her big bed after some "girl-talk". On the foot of her bed was my bestest buddy in the world, my little dog, Buffy. As the night wore on, all 3 of us were fast asleep in the bed when suddenly a  strange noise awakened me. From the horrible rythmic gurgling sounds emanating from the lower  half of the bed, I had automatically deduced that my dog was sick and in the process of hurling.  Quickly I told her to get down off the bed and just as I was about to get up and take her outside,  the bed began shaking. I looked over and finally she couldn't hold back any longer......there lay my mom, laughing till her whole body shook like crazy.....in between her giggles she was  able to admit that the noise was actually her farting! I was amazed and said so. As I went  on and on about how incredible it was how much her fart sounded like a dog throwing up she kept  laughing until her bum decided to laugh in its own special way too. The more she laughed,  the more she'd fart and then the more (WE'D) laugh! Needless to say....life has always been  a real gas in our family!
Thanks to Connie for this story

Being a pilot for many years I was on a trip to Mexico City one Sunday afternoon. As we turned on our final approach I let out some bad gas. I was flying with the chief pilot and pointed out that we were flying right over the Sunday bull fights. My chief pilots finally gets my gas in his nostrils and says "Shit, I can smell those sons a bitches all the way up here"!! I just sat there and the tears were streaming down my cheeks.
Thanks to ACS, L.V. New Jersey for this story

OK, here's a story that a small percent of the population can relate too.  I was locked up for 6 months and there weren't many phones in the joint for everyone to use. I learnt a technique from the short timers, (been there for a while) who knew how  to get a phone. Plan your lunch and dinner then simply walk on by a phone and leave a  trail... Just like crop duster except different. In a matter of seconds the phone is free'd up. I suffered many of these drive by's until I found my perfect combo...  Old Sauerkraut and lot's of Mustard on those Hot Dogs. Wait for the air to clear  from the early bird dusters, move on in , clear the lines then call mom and the old lady.  Worked for me!
Thanks to Dennis for this story

I'm 32 years old now. When I was about 15, my 19 year old brother didn't believe that farts were flamable. So I set out to prove to him that they were. It was a Saturday  morning, and we were laying around watching cartoons. I had a Bic lighter handy, because I knew it wouldn't take long to prove my point. A few minutes later I felt a  monster fart gurgling in my gut. I rolled onto my side, and got the lighter into position  about an inch from my underwear, right above the launch tunnel. As the fart started  coming out, I flicked the Bic. Then I saw a flame roll up over my side, and the fuzz on the  carpet started burning. I rolled over the fire to put it out, and my brother started laughing  so hard, his eyes were watering. After I saw that  everything was OK, I busted out laughing too. Our mom came into the room, in the  middle of asking what was so funny, she said "What is burning, and what stinks?" Needless to say neither one of us could answer, or move off the floor for quite a while. By the way kids, I did burn a hole in my undies, and singed a lot of hair off of my ass and  side. DON'T DO IT.
Thanks to P Cott for this story

Years ago, I worked in a large movie theatre. Many days we just were too busy to run to the bathroom, and certainly too busy to run off the floor to fart. So, I would find the oldest person in the lobby and go stand near them. I would drop my bomb and then look slightly shocked/disgusted look. Usually, they were with their grown children who, embarrassed that grandma had just dropped a stinker, would usher her off to the restroom - usually protesting.

My boss had no such qualms about farting loudly in public. He would be having a conversation with a customer and would just "let them fly." It was almost as if he didn't know he did it. Customers would be shocked and horrified, but my boss's expression didn't falter, so they were never really sure if it actually happened. However, if we were alone in the office, he'd lift his leg to blast one out. Again, continuing the conversation as if he had only scratched an itch!
Thanks to Christopher for this story

One day just as we were getting our daily newspaper ready for a press run, our city hall reporter returned to the  newsroom from the municipal building a few blocks away. His face was red and tears were running down his cheeks as his shoulders shook with uncontrolled laughter.
It was several minutes before he could stop laughing long enough to tell us his story: The reporter told us that during the part of the city council meeting where citizens are allowed to address the council, an elderly man approached the podium provided for speakers. He faced the council members, but his back was toward the audience a few feet away.
He was quite impassioned in whatever point he was trying to make and pounded his fist on the podium to emphasize his remarks. Every time he pounded, he let out a resounding burst of gas, the reporter said amid gales of laughter.  At first the audience was incredulous, but as the farts continued every few seconds, giggling burst out  among the spectators.
The elderly gentleman turned his head several times, trying to quiet the audience, and each time he turned, he dropped another lound fart. By the time he finished pounding and farting his way through his alloted three minutes, the entire place was in hysterics, including other reporters, TV crews and the city council members themselves.
Even after many years, every time we have a reunion of former reporters, that story comes up and we all  laugh ourselves silly again.
Thanks to Rick for this story

This is a story of a special day in history during which the world famed 'snart' was first discovered.  My father the founder of this great deed was known far and wide as one who could not only fart with great skill and regularity, but also produce such deadly emissions that he has been known to clear a ballroom floor in milliseconds.

A farter from way back, he displays a certain pride in his art. He is always practising new techniques,  trying to forge ahead in his chosen field. It must be said that his mind-numbing productions show much more potential than the mere murky clouds of other's attemps to match his uncanny ability.

The creation of the 'SNART'

Scene 1: The setting is the opulent abode of certain rich relatives which the family were visiting.  Needless to say, farting in this environment was strictly forbidden and the strain was beginning to show. Those who knew him well could detect the faint colonic rumblings which we knew would spell  the end of polite society.

Scene 2: The rumblings increasing, he feels the need for release and excuses himself from the group.  The excuse he made was feeble, so terrifying was the gaseous buildup that even his creativity was quenched. The familiy watched him leave the room in silence, waiting with bated breath for what only we knew would soon follow.

Scene 3: Suddenly horror strikes!!! The farter is desperately trying to reach the safe haven of the  bathroom when the unspeakable happens. A sneeze, two sneezes!!! All is silent. Then without warning,  a third. Coupled with the thrid sneeze came a momentary loss of rectal control, but that was all that  was needed. The loudest, longest, smelliest, rumbliest fart that the world has smelt exploded from his  arse at terrifying speed.

Scene 4: After a brief moment of uncomfortable silence, laughter ensues (among desperate gasps for air and tearing coughs). The 'SNART' was born. (Sneeze + Fart = Snart).

Epilouge: The 'polite society' of the posh relatives was somewhat strained. They never spoke of the  incident again, although it should be mentioned that my father often related this story as the defining  moment of a long and lustrous career as an arse bandit.
Thanks to John for this story

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